Zoey's (Honest?) Online Profile
Ambitious. Driven. Adventurous. Outdoorsy. Physically active. Loves to travel. Funny by default. Speaks fluent sarcasm. Loves witty banter... but also chill. Laid-back. Compassionate. Humble. Loyal.
I’ve just described every single cliché, overused words found in, like, 90 percent of online dating profiles.
Seriously? Is everyone online a hilarious ennobling corporate ladder-climbing globe-trotting jet-setting adrenaline-junkie go-getter with a sarcastic, cutting edge flare who masters in witty banter? Is everyone THIS extroverted / confident / active / interesting / busy? And I’m supposed to believe that one can instantly go from an outgoing, outdoorsy, outspoken extrovert to a quiet, humble, serenity-loving introvert like a light switch?
And what’s with sarcasm and wittiness? Why are these such sought-after traits that practically everyone (well, mostly guys) mentions on their profile to garner some kind of brownie points?
I call all this Bull.
Exaggeration? Embellishment? Contradictory nonsense? Yep, yep, and yep (let’s face it… sarcastic people aren’t compassionate or humble).
Have you ever wondered how a profile would sound if everyone were completely honest about themselves? Putting the laundry-list of hobbies and interest aside (or lack thereof), how would everyone describe themselves as “a catch?” I’m willing to bet that a much more realistic description would sound like this: “I’m nothing special, nor do I stand out from the crowd. There are tons of guys /gals like me. But I’m hoping that someone finds me appealing enough to give me a chance.” Ok that sounds defeatist I know... But it is my personal affirmation that very few people are truly unique, eccentric, or extraordinary in any way, and the majority of us are ‘snowflakes’ using filler words to differentiate ourselves from the next person, or appear more special than we really are (and some, not at all).
So today I’m going to come up with just that – an honest-to-God profile that cuts through the crap and let you see through my true, authentic, unadulterated self. Folks, this is raw Zoey Randall at-her-core:
I am not ambitious or driven. I have no desire to climb the corporate ladder, obtain an impressive job title, or bump myself up to the next income bracket. It could be because I live comfortably (at the moment). Or don’t need to impress anyone with status-markers. Or simply don’t feel the drive to earn more, learn more, or obtain more. I’m not very inquisitive by nature, so having lots of skills, knowledge, or experience under my belt isn’t something I’m striving for. On top of that, my brain doesn’t have the ability to absorb shit tons of information, so I tend to steer clear from anything involving mental rigor. I’m perfectly fine doing nothing.
Do you know someone who never short of opinions, ideas, and comments? Someone who always has something to say about anything and everything thrown at them? Well, that ain’t me. You will never see me yapping about politics, economy, business, technology, or any “important” current topics. I don’t have much to say about them, nor do I care to keep myself abreast. Moreover, I don’t partake in conversations that I KNOW don’t have anything to say. Attempting to engage in topics I have no interest is like jamming a square peg into a circular hole that is my brain. See #1. I’m perfectly fine being blissfully ignorant in my own little world.
I am not feminine or womanly. Nor do I want to be. Femininity has never really appealed to me since my earliest days. But I’m not masculine either. My style and appearance is much more gender-neutral; leaning towards androgynous or sometimes tomboyish. You won’t see me teeter-tottering in high heels or squeezing into an uncomfortable outfit just to “look pretty”. Furthermore, I don’t yearn for ‘hourglass’ or ‘curves’ or anything that accentuates the female form. I know this sounds like an anomaly in this day and age, where you’re supposed to want a big bum or big hips but it doesn’t cut it for me. I’ll stick to my average, rectangular figure thank you.
“Sarcasm” and “wit” doesn’t exist in my vocabulary. Witty comebacks or sharp, cutting-edge remarks with impeccable timing and delivery is not my forte. My brain doesn’t work that fast, and neither does yours. As mentioned above, I’m amazed at the number of profiles that boasts about this very specific trait that realistically, only few people ( I’d say 10 percent of population) can truly master. Your average, everyday person is NOT fluent in sarcasm and do NOT have razor-sharp wit. That being said, I’m much more drawn to straightforward, direct communication and demeanor, using plain standard English. If you find that too boring, please swipe left (or right??).
Let’s talk about the “outdoors” since it’s everyone’s favorite buzzword. “Outdoors” connote extroversion, energy, and physical activity, so it makes you sound cool and desirable, right? Well, I for one, am not jumping on the “outdoors” bandwagon. In fact, I’m more outsidey rather than outdoorsy, meaning I prefer going out for coffee, exploring museums, or trying a new restaurant, rather than doing activities that require physical stamina that takes place in nature. Yep, I’m a concrete jungle kinda gal. Nature is nice and all, but I’ll stick to cities any day. Besides, my stamina-building days are over and if I were to attempt the Half Dome hike today, I’ll probably pass out halfway to the rock!
Here’s one of my favorite subjects – food. I love food, and can have lots of it. In fact, I eat like a pig and isn’t shy to admit it. As a total foodie, taste, quality, and variety is important to me. Name any type of cuisine – American, Italian, Mexican, Korean, Japanese, Thai, Vietnamese, Middle Eastern, Greek, Chinese, Indian (and insert any cuisine here) – I eat them all. I don’t discriminate and would appreciate if my date does the same. If your taste palette isn’t as wide as mine, I won’t hold it against you. However, if you’re the type who only eats boring American food, then you better have a shit ton of appealing qualities for me to overlook this drawback.
I admit it – I’m not the wisest person, nor do I have the best of judgements. I don’t always learn from my mistakes, and I'm bound to make some of them again. I overthink, suffer from chronic indecision, and take an unnecessarily long time to take action on things that are important. In other words, I’m not the most effective person and I’m flawed in more ways than one. I still hold a lot of grudges from the past, and it’s very difficult for me to let go. Some of you might find this a turn-off. However, I’m not trying to impress anyone; I’m only letting you in on the raw, unapologetic Zoey-at-her-core, so you are aware of who I am. That being said, if my flaws are too much for you to tolerate, please save yourself time and swipe left. I’d rather be alone than date someone who only accepts me half-way. 😉
So… any takers?
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