If U.S. States Were People...

Many of you know that I have written an article called "If Countries Were People" - an imaginary scenario where I breathe life (or personality) into each country and personify them to have a unique character of their own. Due to the raving reviews I received for this article, I did a little spin-off version of the same concept. This time, I've personified U.S. states, using the same narrative - imagining each state as a student in a school-setting that is the U.S.A. What cliques ( if any) would each state belong to? Who would be the popular kid? Who would be the troublemaker? And who would be the kid that no one remembers?

Once again, I'm employing stereotypes, current events, historical facts, and certain trivializations of each state to transform them into people. This is a satirical, light-hearted article for shits and giggles only. Enjoy!

Let's start with the "Big Four"

California - The BEHEMOTH. The ultimate popular kid. The jock of all jocks. The extroverted outdoor kid who boasts about "having it all" - the beaches, mountains, coasts, desserts, sunshine and snow. Excels in acting and sports, thanks to Hollywood and myriads of sports teams. This kid truly believes he is special, and thinks everyone in the whole world wants to flock to him. Despite being one of the (historically) youngest kids in his classroom that is the U.S.A, he is a powerhouse who always comes first in sports and popularity contests, much to the displeasure of Texas, New York, and Florida.

New York - one word: SNOB. Another kid in school who thinks he is "the shit". If California thinks he's the coolest kid in school, New York thinks he's the master of the universe. After all, he IS the host of the ultimate kingpin city that is NYC. Believes that 1) the world revolves around him and 2) treating other people like crap is every New Yorker's god-given right. The fact that he is the home to Donald Trump and his entire posse just adds to his haughtiness and arrogance. Always in a battle against Californria (his arch-rival) on who is the more diverse, more popular, more superior "coastal" kid.

Texas ( a.k.a. the 'other' behemoth) - one word ( actually, four): STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN. The uncouth, foul-mouthed, beer-guzzling redneck, often seen waving his middle finger or the Texan flag. Hates school but loves to raise hell, and tends to compete with Florida on who can cause most trouble. Can be a bully who no one wants to provoke. This kid eats a Texas-sized steak for meal every day, lives in a Texas-sized ranch passed down by his daddy, drives a Texas-sized truck that screams "monster", and has a Texas-sized ego only matched by, well, who else - Stone Cold Steve Austin!

Florida - The sweltering, steaming, headache-generating kid of U.S.A. The hotbed for absurd, offbeat, headline-making news. Dubbed as "America's penis" - a rather befitting moniker for his eccentricity and temperament - he's got quite a knack for making waves ( or hurricanes), causing trouble, and frequently getting sent to the principal's office. Starting from the 2000 election debacle to 2016 Orlando shooting, this kid takes center-stage for anything outlandish, compelling and downright outrageous! Otherwise battles California on who has better beaches and hotter chicks.

It goes without saying that these "Big Four" kids are always trying to one-up each in some way, be it size, population, diversity, popularity, or anything that measures their uppityness.

Now onto the "regular" kids...

Illinois - Thank god this kid has Chicago on his turf. Otherwise he would be just another forgettable Midwestern kid. Chicago is his bread-and-butter, his flagship city, and the reason why he gets any attention. Tries to compete with California and New York for having the coolest city, but deep down, knows he will never be in their league. After all, if NYC is #1, and LA is #2, then Chicago is a distant #3. But hey, no need for glum! What he lacks for the coastline, he proudly makes up with the Great Lake. His claim to fame are the Cubs, hotdogs, and teeth-gritting frostbite-inducing winters.

Oregon and Washington - the hippie kids. Advocators of alternative lifestyles. Hardcore vegans and ardent supporters of mom and pop shops. Kids whose facial hair and armpit hair flow like the tress of Princess Repunzle. Progressive-minded kids who are liberal to a fault and won't hesitate to jump on any social justice movement bandwagon, be it BLM, LGBQT, #MeToo, or #MeThree, or whatever triggers some kind of social uprising. Good friends with California, and the trio form a "Triple Entente" of blue west coast kids during presidential elections.

Michigan - the downtrodden kid. Not exactly the breeding ground for optimism, and hasn't been the epicenter for positive news since the demise of IT'S flagship city Detroit (a.k.a. motor city cesspool). His days of gleaming with pride and glory have long disappeared into the abyss, and now he's just known as a decayed kid struggling to keep afloat. The fact that he is the home to Betsy Devos and her cronies doesn't help his reputation either!

Utah - the holier-than-thou kid. Always seen wearing a clean-cut suit and tie, goes around preaching right vs wrong, and loves to act like he's the embodiment of moral fortitude. Can be incredibly obnoxious and pretentious; thinks he'll go to heaven while everyone will go to hell. His classmates find him annoying as hell and scoffs whenever he starts his bible-thumping, fear-mongering, guilt-mongering nonsense.

Massachussets, Rhode Island, Connecticut, New Hampshire, Vermont, Maine - Trust fund babies. Elitist kids who belong to a very exclusive, tight-knit clique called New England. No one can get into this clique, unless they are 1) rich as hell 2) Ivy-League bound 3) white-anglo-saxon-protestant 4) has British or Irish ancestry 5) inherited "old money" from their great-great-great grandfathers. Tend to stay in their little bubble and rarely mingle with the other states, with the exception of the powerhouse-next-door New York.

Louisiana - the festive, flamboyant, party-hardy kid who indulges music, drinking, hearty feasts, and... not much else. Notorious for being an underachiever who lags behind his studies and doesn't have his priorities straight. While words like "work ethic" and "academics" aren't exactly a part of his vocabulary, he sure knows how to whip up the saxophone, gather a crowd, and throw a (bead) party whenever the mood calls for it!

New Jersey - the poor kid who's always dwarfed by his more powerful, more visible cousin that is New York. Dubbed as "Armpit of America' - an unfortunate moniker that pisses him off - he's not powerful or popular enough to stand with New York, but not elitist enough to join the clique that is New England. (despite having Princeton University on his turf). After all, he IS geographically blocked by his much bigger cousin (thanks New York!!). Can be quite a hothead due to its heavy Italian population (The Sopranos? Jersey Shore? Yep...)

Georgia, Alabama, Tennessee, Kentucky, Mississippi - kids who belong to a clique called "breeding ground for America's Sweethearts". After all, the likes of Julia Roberts, Britney Spears, Reese Witherspoon, Jennifer Lawrence, Carrie Underwood, Taylor Swift, and Faith Hill have either been born, bred, or somehow 'made' on their turf. Name-wise, these squeaky-clean kids are known for dominating in beauty pageants, twangin' in annoying southern accent, being American as apple pie.

Pennsylvania - the nerdy, bespectacled kid with an 'old soul'. The veteran kid who has a loooong history, and also excels in history (no coincidence here). The academically-astute brainiac who is as patriotic as one can get. After all, he holds every single monument, ideals, and symbolism that is the "keystone" of American Foundation. Most likely will battle for the valedictorian spot with one of the New England kids, and will go to some lofty Ivy League college to make his parents proud.

Alaska - the kid who hit the genetic lottery...with mother nature. Nicknamed "land of gold and oil", this kid's incredibly blessed with (natural) riches to last, like, ten lifetime. Good friends with Russia and Canada - his next door neighbors and fellow oil-buddies. Lives in blissful isolation from other 48 kids; while his classmates squabble all day on who has the best sport teams, who has the hottest chicks, and who can claim title of "fattest" state of all, Alaska is blissfully relaxing in his natural hot spring with a cigar, enjoying the spectacular view of glaciers, waterfalls, and northern lights.

Hawaii - a.k.a. the "exotic" kid; another often-forgotten kid at school, along with Alaska. Actually, he lives in complete isolation, and most kids completely forget that he exists, being so culturally, ethnically, and geographically separated from the rest. ( "What?? There's a kid smack in the middle of Pacific Ocean?!) But hey, that doesn't bother him much; after all, he enjoys his blissful island existence and touts on being the tourist mecca for the mainland kids who want to get away from the massive continental hell that is US of A!