If Russian and Ukraine Had a Conversation

By now, the world is well-aware that Russia has attacked Ukraine. It has only been a few days, and the world is up in arms about Russia’s (yet again) aggression over his neighbors. As I am watching and reading about it through newsfeeds, a thought came to my mind: if Russian and Ukraine had a conversation amidst the invasion, how would it go? For those who aren’t well informed about the situation, I’ve come up with a fun hypothetical dialogue between the two nations and how they would spat over this regional conflict. So if you haven’t been keeping abreast, hopefully it can shed a bit of light by offering some context and the backstory of this geopolitical warfare.

**Disclaimer: some of the content is reflective of (what I consider to be) each country’s sentiment on the current crisis. Please note I am neither Russian nor Ukrainian, so I can only come up with my own take on feelings, attitudes, and perspectives of each country. I apologize if any of this stuff is incorrect, inaccurate, or offensive in any way.

Russia: Oh Ukraine… You Russia Junior. You Western ass-kisser. You NATO-wannabe. Trying so hard to be something that you’re not when you’re just another sell-out turning your back against a great empire you were a part of (eye roll). Have you forgot where you came from? ‘Cause let me remind you; I’m the master, you’re the protégé. I’m the kingpin and you’re our mini-me. We are one of a kind. We’ve had cultural and historical ties since the 9th century. We are both cut from the same cloth. Do you really think we’re going to tolerate our flesh and blood leaving the great Russian orbit? Not to mention, you guys were bullying OUR people in Donbas (a region in Eastern Ukraine populated by ethnic Russians), when all they want to do is to return to mother Russia, their rightful homeland! Did you think we’re gonna just sit and watch our people suffer at the hands of our puppet? Karma’s a bitch, eh?

Ukraine: Fuck you Russia! First of all, I’m sick and tired of hearing “we are one people” bullshit; that was eons ago! Second, I know what you have up your sleeve; you’re attempting to rebuild this fantasized version of the ‘great Russian empire’ by throwing your weight around your former Soviet “posses” (Georgia, Crimea, and insert any invaded region here). Well guess what… those days are OVER! And quit pointing fingers for the Donbas fiasco! You guys started this in 2014! Your “so-called” people seized what is our land our territory! And add insult to injury, you guys had the nerve to shoot down a plane? (Malaysian Airlines 17) Did you think we’re gonna ‘turn the other cheek’ when you came punching at our face? And quit telling us where we “came from” – we are Ukrainians damn it, not some spin-off Russians that you want us to be!

Russia: Hey quit barking up the wrong tree; we had nothing to do with Malaysian Airlines! (and continues to deny any involvement to this day). Also, you wanna know the cold, hard truth? NATO doesn’t even want you in their circle. Neither does the EU. Why? ‘Cause they see you as a liability dum-dum! Your futile efforts to join these ‘uppity’ Western clubs is laughable at best. You can be a ‘wannabe’ all you want, but the fact remains; we got too much grip on you guys for these “big boys” to let you in. We’re simply not gonna let that happen; we got our people to protect on Donbas. The moment you join NATO, they’re gonna send troops to “re-coup” Donbas from us and all hell will break loose! Donbas is a separate, independent region that belongs to Russia, and rightfully so! Neither you, NATO, or anyone in the world can take that away!

Ukraine: Who you calling “futile”?! Lemme put you in your place; futile is your efforts to bask in your old glory days. Futile is your effort to rebuild a “has-been” empire you so want to bring back. Futile is your inflated, deluded ego that believes throwing your weight around and meddling in others’ affairs is somehow your birthright. Wake up Russia! It’s 2022! Your former ‘posses’ aren’t interested in joining your grandiose vision of an empire! Look at Lativia, Lithuania, and Estonia! (former Soviet brothers) They left your “orbit”, became successful democracies, and joined NATO loooong ago. It won’t be long until we follow suit! And as for Donbas, their futile effort to separate from us is what got them in this mess! Look, separatist movements rarely succeed. Want proof? Kurdistan, Somaliland, Transnistria, and other ‘self-proclaimed’ independent states are recognized by NO one other than themselves!

Russia: Oh, the Irony! Then perhaps it was a dumb move for you to separate from us back in 1991! You shoulda stayed under our orbit and none of this mess would happen at all! Look, I’ll say it again Ukraine – you were, still are, and always will be of Russian cloth, of Russian heritage, and of Russian pulse. No amount of “handholding” with the West will ever deny that you are our people, our turf!

Ukraine: Ok just stop! We’ve had enough of this Russified bullshit! All we want is to be a fully functioning democracy, so that NATO, EU, and the rest of the world will see us as credible, reliable world player and not some Russia’s tag-along-brother! The last thing we need is a meddlesome meathead with a power trip to walk around with a big stick and intimidate us. We’re ready to move on from your “so-called” sphere of influence. So you want to attack us? Bringing it on, ‘cause we’re fighting back!

Russia: Fuck yea we’ll attack! We’re sending you, NATO, the U.S, and the rest of the world a message - RUSSIA IS NO ONE TO MESS WITH!!! If any of you interfere from outside, you will face consequences greater than any of you have faced in history! (a direct quote from Putin). So Ukraine, brace yourselves and get your bomb shelters ready, ‘cause we’re not playing nice this time. Kiev, here comes the tanks, drones, artilleries, and missiles… let the destruction begin!