If Countries Were People...

Here's a fun, imaginative exercise to get your creativity flowin': imagine a hypothetical scenario where each of 190 + countries magically transformed into humans. How would they look as people? What kind of personalities, characteristics, and quirks would each have? After all, every country has its own image in the global arena, and that image translates to reputation, a.k.a. how they are perceived by the rest of the world.

To give you an idea, imagine going back to your school years (ugh!). Remember all those archetypal cliques and social groups found in every school, such as the jocks, geeks, popular girls, misfits, rejects, punks, and hipsters to name a few? Ok ok, so some of these cliques are completely stereotypical and not every school have such distinct "groups". But stereotypes notwithstanding, cliques are what people use to identify or label themselves in the hierarchical hell that is high school. So imagine if countries were in a school setting. Who would be the jock? Who would be the nerd? And who would be the poor kid who sat alone at the lunch table? Here are a list of countries personified;

*Disclaimer:

1. This is a light-hearted article for shits and giggles only. It is not to be taken seriously.
2. The stereotypes are used for satirical purposes only.
3. Historical/ cultural exaggerations and trivializations are not meant to offend anyone. If you get offended, I apologize in advance.
4. Humor is used to a) employ satire and irony b) capture the essence of each country c) build personality for the "countries" as "people".

U.S.A - The ultimate popular kid. The athletic kid, a.k.a. the 'jock'. The outspoken, extroverted, headline-making kid at the center of attention, and highly visible anywhere he goes. Academically average, but dominates in sports and popularity contests due to his size, influence, and commanding presence. Takes great pride in his superpowers, and will not hesitate to flex his (military) muscles if anyone dares to be a threat to him or his buddies. He is highly impactful and anything that he does affects the entire student body. Good friends with U.K. Canada. Australia, Japan, and Germany. A bit icy with Russia and China, but puts up with them. Can be a jerk if he needs to be.

U.K. - the other popular kid. U.S.A's other half and once-childhood rival. Slightly older, more cultured, and more refined than his counterpart. Was once the most dominating kid in school, but eventually surpassed by U.S.A as #1. In fact, U.S.A. loves to rub it in U.K's face that he's more popular than him now, considering he was once U.K's protege. But U.K could care less, since he has nothing else to prove to anyone; besides everyone still bows down (or curtseys) to him! Together they form a powerhouse clique called U.S.A-U.K. alliance. Only the cool, popular kids get to join this clique.

Canada - you know how every popular kid at school has a sidekick? Yep, that's Canada for ya. Driven by the moniker "America Junior", Canada is the kid who plays second fiddle to the kingpin that is U.S.A. Although he is slightly less visible and less vocal than U.S.A, Canada is still a card-carrying member of the popular club. Stands by U.S.A.for almost everything he does. He also shows fierce allegiance to his cousin U.K - after all, the Queen is their mother-of-all matriarch.

Mexico - the jovial, rotund kid. Next door neighbor and frequent trading partner of the ultimate Top Dog, U.S.A.. Delights U.S.A with tacos, tequila, and tortillas chips. These two usually have a good relationship, but in recent years U.S.A has stuck up his nose at Mexico, and insists on building a wall to separate them; an idea that's creating a wedge between the two, much to Mexico's chagrin.

France - if France was a girl, she would be the ultimate snobby chick. Often spotted wearing expensive fur coats and huge sunglasses while sipping on fine wine. Exudes a haughty aura by sticking her nose in the air, and wants to be treated like an aristocrat. Seen in art galleries, fashion shows, and anywhere that screams 'high society'. May be attractive, but most guys don't date her due to her expensive taste. If France was a guy, he would be the ultimate arrogant prick. Often spotted rubbing elbows with the Big Boys, i.e. U.K, Germany, Russia, USA, while sipping on expensive Cognac. Exudes a haughty aura by sticking his nose in the air, and wants to be treated like the master of the universe. May be rich, but most girls don't date him due to his exaggerated sense of self-importance.

Brazil - the flashy, flamboyant, multiracial dude with a killer bod and...not much up there. Priorities are carnivals, soccer, beach parties, and carving his body into perfection. The archetypal airhead who thrives on being the 'life of the party' and doesn't give two shits about school. Scoffs at his parents and teachers when they nag him to start studying and quit fucking around. Got a serious ass-kicking by the more mature, disciplined Germany in HIS own game on HIS turf during world cup 2014. Maybe he'll finally grow up.

Japan - the kid who alternates between super-geeky and super-wacky. Either the quiet overachiever who excels in academics, or the technically-savvy, think-outside-the-box-kid who loves to show off his incredibly weird collections of gadgets, inventions, anime, and game shows. Character-wise, he's disciplined, focused, and reliable - basically a straight arrow as you can get. Generally respected by teachers and classmates alike, and has a positive rapport with his peers worldwide. Used to be hard-core militant, but now is as pacifist as one can be, and is the last kid in school to engage in a fist fight.

Germany - the Western counterpart to Japan. a.k.a. 'brother from another mother' (after all, they were allies in WWII). Both are mature, academically-astute brainiacs who share the same dominance in automobiles, precision engineering, and long list of Nobel prize winners. He too had his share of sins of the past, but considerably cleaned up his image over the years. Now is the 'wise-owl' of Europe and the kid that many others look up to as a 'problem-solver'. Most likely will battle for the valedictorian spot with Japan. Nothing flashy or flamboyant here.

Italy - the loud kid. The boisterous hothead always looking to make noise. Makes his mark at soccer matches, pep rallies, school spirit week, and basically anything that involves some kind of rah-rah. This kid has quite a passion, and whatever piques his interest ( in the aforementioned above) is likely to elicit a strong reaction. Can be highly aggressive and expressive, and doesn't hold back his temper when he gets triggered. Also loves to get laid, and tries to score as many chicks in school as possible (and proud of it).

Spain - the festive, sentimental kid who is Italy's other half. Both have fervent passion towards football, making noise, and anything Catholic. Not exactly the brightest bulb in school, but sure knows how to eat, drink, and be merry. Was a major conquistadora during its heyday, but now is just an average kid in the world (classroom) stage. Has a tendency to spends money frivolously and gets into loads of debt. Often relies on the Big Dogs ( i.e. Germany, UK, EU) to bail him out. Also loves to get laid.

Russia - If Russia was a girl, then she would be the ultimate hot chick. Known as the uber-babe, and not much else. The girl that every guy drools over, but cannot approach because she's way out of their league. If Russia was a guy, then he would be Brock Lesnar - the ultimate powerhouse meathead/ bully / aggressor that no one wants to provoke. Freakishly tall, strong, and well-built. Polar opposite to U.S.A., he's the secretive, emotionless tough guy who keeps to himself. Has a knack for meddling in classroom brawls, be it WWI, WW2, the Koreas, Vietnam, Gulf War, Iraq, Afghanistan, Ukraine, or Syria, this kid - and his arch-rival U.S.A- always sticks his nose in other kids' battles and takes the limelight. Has a complicated, love-hate relationship with U.S.A., the only kid strong enough to stand to him. These two are always either shaking hands or butting heads. Currently in an icy contention with U.S.A.

China - the low-profile kid: the quiet geek known for being an academic and not much else. Has tiger parents who will whoop his ass if he doesn't get straight A's and get into a prestigious college. The HIGH-profile kid: sly and cunning to a fault. Always greasing his palms, looking for ways to cut corners and cover his tracks. Tries to get the most out of doing the least ( and is good at it). Often seen cutting deals with the the dominant kids (i.e. U.S.A, Russia, U.K.) for his benefit. Highly smart and influential. He's the uber-competitive, cutthroat, no-nonsense kid who tries to get what he wants by hook or by crook. Can be very greedy and callous. Due to his weasel-like nature, he tends to get under U.S.A's skin.

North Korea - If you think China was callous, then this kid blows him out of the water. The reclusive weirdo with 80s haircut who takes "secretive" to a whole new level. Sits alone by the benches during recess with his arms crossed, wears dark glasses and glances at everyone with a dubious smirk on his face. Rarely talks to anyone but with U.S.A, China, and Russia i.e. the Top Dogs on a few occasion. When he's seen lurking around school, everyone keeps him at an arm's length, because no one knows what he has up his sleeve. It gets everyone wondering - is he a menace, or is he just misunderstood?

South Korea - North Korea's Siamese Twin. The vastly-different other half; In fact, entire school ( even S. Korea himself) sometimes forget that they are related. Takes great pride in knowing he rose from the ashes in 50-60 years and now enjoying immense success. Despite this notable achievement, the fact his 'rogue' brother gets more attention and is more talked-about is a constant source of annoyance for South Korea. Now is a major propagator of catchy pop music, TV dramas, boy/girl groups, and ridiculous beauty standards.

Thailand - the approachable girl. Hospitable and personable. Always willing to invite her classmates over, and doesn't hesitate to befriend new students or anyone who appears to be lonely. Always relaxed and welcoming. Delights everyone with stunning beaches, exotic islands, temples, elephants, and yummy cuisines. Adores her royal family and takes great pride being the only ASEAN kid never been colonized. Overall, a universally appealing girl whom everyone likes. No one has anything bad to say about her.

The Philippines - the kid with a perpetual identity problem. Loves to party and loves mother Mary. Has 50 first cousins, and 100 thriced-removed cousins. Despite having plethora of tropical beaches in his 7000 + islands, his classmates rarely go to him and instead flock to neighboring Thailand and other ASEAN kids, which pisses him off. Desperately wants to be 'cool' in some way and tries to be buddy-buddy with U.S.A. If Philippine is a girl, will most likely become a nurse, and will vie for a Western guy.

Switzerland - the gatekeeper of all secrets. The quiet, discreet, trustworthy kid that knows everyone's dirty little secrets and act as the go-to person for intel. Mostly a neutral kid who stays out of his/ her classmates' squabbles and often acts as a moderator during any classroom brawls or altercations.

Norway / Sweden / Finland - belongs to a tight-knit clique called Scandinavia. Tall, blond, and reasonably attractive kids. Not much is known about them, aside from the fact that they seem really quiet, peace-loving, and... kinda boring. Maybe they don't talk that much because their countries are so cold, so they speak as few words as possible to avoid inhaling cold air.

Australia – once known as ‘U.K’s leftover scum’ is now a card-carrying member of the popular club. Pompous, hedonistic hybrid of U.S.A and Brazil; extroverted, athletic and jock-ish like U.S.A, but empty-headed like Brazil. If he’s not playing sports, pumping iron at the gyn, or getting laid, then he ( or she) spends most of his days boozing, partying, and sunbathing at the beach. Already has a freakishly orange tan, and will most likely die of skin cancer by age 30.

India - The flashy, spicy, stinky, over-the-top kid who attacks your senses to the nth degree. If India is a guy, then he is another geeky, skinny, spectacle-wearing academic kid. His career trajectory is either a software engineer or... well, um... what else- a software engineer! If India is a girl, she will be seen wearing bright colored saris and hanging out exclusively with other Indian girls. She will most likely become a stay-at-home wife and mom. In a few years India will surpass China as the most populous kid, and that will become his bragging right in school ( populous, not popular).

Egypt - the perennially pissed-off kid. The embodiment of teenage angst and ultimate torchbearer of rise-against-authority bandwagon. Puts the DIS in dissatisfaction. Distrust. Dissent. Dissident. His ancient civilization, pyramids, and rich culture/ history was once a great source of pride and fame. Sadly, that sentiment fizzled long ago, as his glory days are gone forever. Now he's just known as an angry mob-kid looking for any reason to diss and piss at authority.

Israel - the poor kid who can't catch a break. Surrounded by Egypt, Lebanon, Iran, Jordan, and other neighboring classmates who seem to resent his very existence. Was once a frequent target for bullying and attacks, but it seem to have toned down in recent years. Nonetheless, he still feels out of place in a contentious neighborhood that's hostile to him. Is good friends with U.S.A. and U.K, the popular kids who have his back if anyone tries to mess with him.

Saudi Arabia, U.A.E. Qatar, Oman - the (filthy) rich kids. Belong to a very exclusive clique called Arabia. No one can get into this clique, unless they are 1) Muslim, 2) royalty by blood. i.e. has a king, prince, or a sultan as a ruler 3) have all the oil on God's green earth. Very tight-knit clan and live in a whole other world from their classmates. It is unknown how smart these kids are, but hey, who needs brains when your parents pamper you with infinite supply of (oil) money?

Turkey - the kid that desperately tries to prove he's cool enough to 1. join a clique called European Union and 2. host the olympics, both which he attempted and got rejected numerous times, much to his bitterness. Otherwise a unique kid who's boasts as a hybrid between east and west. Has a lot of potential for growth. Hates being stuck next to Syria and Iraq, and blames them for a lot of problems. Also frequently butts heads with neighboring Greece, Cyprus, and the Kurds over land and influx of unwanted kids next door.

Syria and Iraq - the troubled kids. The embattled, war-torn kids whose territories are completely shit over and stepped on by terrorist, Islamic militants, and the Top Dogs (primarily USA and Russia) all in the name of fighting off 'bad guys'. Was once the proud region known as 'cradle of civilization' that is Mesopotamia, but absolutely no one remembers them for that anymore. Now they are just known as runaway kids displaced from their homes. Often seeks shelter from other kids, many of whom aren't keen on taking them.

Greece - Nothing screams 'fall from grace' than Greek Tragedy. The irresponsible, underachieving, headache-inducing kid of Europe. Blows Spain out of the water when it comes to frivolity. Tried to revamp his image with a second olympics in 2004, but ended up in deeper financial shit. This kid can't seem to get it right. Just like Egypt, Syria, and Iraq, his reputation as the oldest, greatest civilizations in history is... well, history! Now he's just known as a menace, always in some squabbling contention with the EU.

Iran - If Iran was a girl, she would be the lone girl in school wearing a hijab, mostly seen alone. Rarely socializes with anyone due to her restrictive parents who have a tight control over who she hangs out with. Dating is out of the question. If Iran was a guy, he would have a beef with Saudi Arabia, Israel, Egypt, U.A.E... and not to forget, the Top Dog U.S.A. Extremely 'set in his ways' and hates outside influence. Generally avoids interaction with the cool kids, though he seem to get along with the meathead that is Russia.

Last but not least...

Kurdistan, a.k.a wannabe-country - the marginalized kid who desperately want to prove to school he exists (as it seems half the school has no idea who he is). All he wants is his own turf - an idea repeatedly scoffed by Turkey, Syria, Iran, and Iraq, who will never agree to it due the hassle of redrawing their borders and giving up a big chunk of their own turf ( which could open up more can of worms). Has immense pride in his heritage, and will fight to get his own turf, come hell or high water. ( though deep down, he knows it will never happen)

To the 157 countries that I didn't mention - I'm sorry that I didn't include you. I only mentioned the countries that I am able to personify. If you are not one of them, it's because I don't know much about you or your people to conjure up a stereotype or an image. ( or it could be that your country is very low-profile and seldom exposed in the news or talked-about)