How to Overcome Physical Insecurities

A few days ago, I video-chatted with my friend's 21-year old daughter. It has been a while since we've connected, so I was eager to know what she's been up to. Before I knew it, our chat became a full-blown moan session on her endless ranting of insecurities. Specifically, appearance-related insecurities. It wasn't long before she started counting inventory of every single 'perceived flaw' (according to her) from head to toe; her eyes are too small, ears are uneven, lips are too thin, neck is too short (wth??), stomach isn't flat, thighs touch standing up, etc etc. After 10 minutes, I began to lose count of these so-called imperfections that she was seemingly spewing out of nowhere.

Oh boy, body dysmorphia again ... (eye roll)

Two reasons for my puzzlement? First of all, I didn't even notice her too-small eyes, uneven ears, short neck, not-so-flat-stomach ( I've never seen her stomach) and other endless complaints. ( ok maybe except the small eyes part. After all, she is Korean, but even by Korean standards, her eyes aren't too small!) Second, I wasn't sure what to tell her. After all, this girl is drop dead...average-looking; smack-in-the-middle in looks. She knows it, I know it. For me to convince that she's pretty, gorgeous, hot, beautiful - or any superlatives for 'above-average' - would not only be false reassurance but it would be insincere; nothing more than lip-service. And that's not what this girl needs to hear, though she may want to hear. Actually, scratch that. I don't even know what she wants to hear. ( to put it perspective, if someone told me that I'm brilliant, i'd look at him as if he had three heads. Everyone close to me knows I'm not even terribly smart, let alone brilliant. Overinflated flattery doesn't do any good)

For those of you who read my previous articles, I've mentioned that body image is one thing that I absolutely, positively do not give a shit about (read article here); it is a trivial obsession and wasteful thinking. So today I want to discuss a topic you've probably heard gazillion times: how to overcome physical insecurities. But instead of regurgitating how everyone-is-beautiful-in-their-own-way ( a statement that actually makes me regurgitate), I'm here to tell you how to put it out of your mind entirely.

1. Obvious solution? Get rid of your mirror. Ok, well... this isn't exactly possible since we need mirrors for grooming. But if the reflection causes nothing but subterranean self-esteem, you can start off by not looking at yourself too often. After all, the mirror is where body dysmorphia begins.

2. Here's a more utilitarian approach; think in terms of result vs reward. Write down every single physical attributes you wish you had, just like my 21-year old friend. Is it height? Eye color? Butt shape? Waist size? Then ask yourself - what tangible benefits, if any, do those changes lead to? For example, if your desire to achieve a smaller waist (result) is to fit into smaller pants (reward), ask yourself if the result is worth the reward. Are you willing to go through the blood, sweat, and tears just to fit into those pants, let alone continue wearing those pants? If the answer is a no, then why not just wear bigger pants? Similarly, what is the reward (or gain) from having bigger eyes, flatter abs, slimmer jaws, thinner thighs, and so forth? You might think "But... I'd look prettier!" Then I ask, what does prettier lead to? Does it make you smarter, richer, wiser, healthier, more successful, more social, and better off than before? If your nose was 10 percent smaller, would you make 10 percent more money? "But...if I looked different, I would feel better about myself!" Aha... I knew that was coming, which leads to pointer #3...

3. If feeling better is what you're striving for, then how about achieving that in other means than chasing unattainable physical traits? Why not invest your time and energy into something you're good at, or can improve on? When I asked my 21-year old friend, what is one area of improvement that would help her confidence, she wanted to be a better public speaker. Boom! That should be your focus girl, not your eyes / neck / ears / abs / legs! My advice to her? Replace "how can I have bigger-this / smaller-that" with "how can I become a better speaker" and work on it; the payoff will be far greater than becoming a 'perfect 10'!

Bottom line: Do yourself a favor and quit focusing on your 'perceived' physical flaws. You are only feeding your brain with empty calories; wasteful thoughts that makes you feel crappier in the end. If you're not blessed with the genetic lottery, then cultivate your self-esteem elsewhere - be it kicking the ball, slamming the guitar, weaving baskets, or doing cartwheels - anything but looks. I guarantee your life will be much more productive and rewarding if you focus on things that you can hone, develop, and improve on over posh physical appearance!