Dating Delusions of Men and Women

Ahhh the dating market.. breeding ground for hypergamy, hypocrisy, double-standards, and delusions. Where throngs of singletons with inflated sense of ego attempt to bat waaaay higher than what they can hit. Time and time again, the dating world is full of people looking for partners they don’t qualify for. There are numerous eyeroll-inducing examples of unrealistic, delusional, and hypocritical dating requirements that we’ve all heard of, in pursuit of the ‘perfect’ romantic partner ( the single dad who says “no” to single moms? Yep, I’m talking ‘bout YOU!). But there are some of the most common ‘vetting’ criteria that encompass the human evolutionary psychology to a T, and specifically, those are:

1. Men vying for ‘attractive young’ women when they are neither attractive nor young themselves.

2. Women vying for ‘rich successful’ men when they are neither rich nor successful themselves.

It’s a notion stemming from the theory that women are beauty objects to men, and men are success objects to women. If you distill the desire among both sexes, one can see that objectification goes both ways, and both have a tendency to ‘commoditize’ one another for their own benefit when it comes to romantic pursuits. Well I for one, would like to dispel these oversimplified desires that reduces humans to nothing more than ‘stock value’ to the opposite sex. The goal here isn’t to say that it’s wrong to be attracted to younger women or wealthy men, but rather, to dissuade you from pursuing them, especially when you don’t qualify for one, or don’t meet your own standards. ( note: there is a solid difference between simply wanting something and actually pursuing it. Heck, I can go gaga over a 10 million dollar mansion all day, but I don’t qualify for one, so it would be foolish of me to obtain it!)

Let’s look at the first delusional point… men vying for attractive younger women. Everywhere you see – on online profiles, in real life, in Hollywood, etc etc. are full of males whose quirky, neanderthal-like brains somehow convinces them to go for a much younger woman…’cause ya’ll know the cliches attached to female youth - beauty, fertility, sex appeal, naivety, freshness, less baggage, more fun and excitement, someone to change his diapers when he gets old, yada yada yada… It’s a common theory that men of all ages – be it twenty or eighty – are all attracted to females in their mid-twenties, when they (supposedly, according to society) reach their physical peak. The problem? For every man who wants a (much) younger woman, there’s a woman who doesn’t want an older man. Fellas, let that sink in; for every one of you vying for ‘fresher meat’, there’s a chick who balks at dating an ‘older geezer’. Here lies the male dichotomy of youth and beauty – why would a hot young woman at her physical prime, want to date a man who is clearly past his prime?! Fellas, if you vet on a woman based on her posh physical appearance (age, weight, looks etc), why would she date you based on yours? Do men pursuing younger chicks think about this? Look guys, vetting criteria applies both ways; if you’re allowed to pursue a chick just ‘cause she’s younger and hotter, then in turn, she is allowed to reject YOU ‘cause you are older and uglier! That said, in my opinion, the only guys who qualify for a ‘hot young’ chick is (surprise surprise) a ‘hot young’ guy, whose age and looks are in par with hers. Pissed off yet? 😆

Now I see mob of guys about to throw stones of rebuttals to me. Let’s address those rebuttals, shall we?

Rebuttal #1: “Bollocks Zoey! I DO deserve a hot younger woman! I’m rich! I’m successful! I make good money!” Translation: I can buy a younger woman. Fellas, if you are using your wealth to justifying your dating criteria, then you are implicitly calling for a transactional relationship, one that attracts gold diggers. Ok ok maybe you didn’t intend on a transactional relationship or gold diggers, but you betcha the end result will be! Hey, it’s all fair, isn’t it? After all, if you only wanted to date her for youth and beauty, then why would she want to date you for anything other than your money? How can you expect her to like you as a person when you only wanted her as a trophy in the first place? Objectification goes both ways!

Rebuttal #2: “But… I LOOK YOUNG for my age! I swear, people mistake me as ten years younger, so why shouldn’t I date women ten years younger?” Yea, yea I’ve heard this one gazillionth time, and it belongs up there among some of the dumbest reasonings of all time. I wrote an entire article on this topic on how so many people misperceive themselves as “appearing younger”, and you can read it here. Bottom line: looking young is entirely moot point, and doesn’t make you appealing to a younger partner. So to the 51 year old who hit up on me the other day – no, I don’t care how ‘young’ you think you look ( and no, you are not in a better shape than half your age). You have 10 years on me, and no amount of (perceived) good genes will change that!

Rebuttal #3: “But I want kids! I can’t have them with women my age!” This is a hard one for me to dig at, since it pertains to guys who want to create families. Sorry to burst anyone’s bubbles here, but the problem is that these guys (often middle-agers) don’t qualify for the younger women they seek. Why? Because very few women want to have kids with an older man. To the 45-year old man seeking a 30-year old woman; why would she go for you when there are plenty of 30 year old guys to choose from? Why would she settle down with someone who will die 15 years ahead of her? In order for you to score a younger wife / baby mama, you’re gonna need to find a woman who specifically have a fetish for older man, and guess what, it ain’t realistic!

Seriously… who ARE these men who only seek women whopping 10, 15, 20+ years younger than them?

Now on to the second delusion… women vying for high-earning, high-status, high-caliber men when they are not high-anything. (I call it hypergamy at its finest; seemingly-average people seeking out above-average partners). It’s a deep-rooted evolutionary imperative for females to snag the “best” possible mate she can get – be it the tallest, smartest, strongest, richest, or fittest – to up her chances of having the “best” offspring she can produce. But there’s a deadly problem here; these guys are in short supply. There are only so many rich, wealthy, high-caliber men for every woman who wants one. Just as throngs of men who will only pursue younger women, there are equally many women who will only vie for successful men, despite being completely average or unsuccessful themselves (both cases are laughable in my opinion). Why do so many ladies vie for a man high rung on the social ladder? It is because of either 1) female entitlement or 2) attractive female entitlement. Let’s look at each one closely, shall we? Female entitlement screams ‘I deserve things merely by virtue of existing’. In dating, this attitude essentially expects a man to pay, provide, protect, bend backwards, fight for, beg for, do all the work, take the blame, and let the woman have it her way all the time. It’s no wonder that even females with average looks, average brains, average potential, average earnings, average personality - essentially, not much going on - expect to snag a guy beyond their league (read: dollars). What’s worse than female entitlement? Attractive female entitlement ! Ya’ll all heard of the quintessential hot chick – who’s got nothing else going on – attempting to use her hotness to justify a rich guy. I’ve got news for you honey – “just being hot” won’t get you very far in dating. High-caliber men aren’t dumb, and if you expect Mr. Alpha to choose you only for your looks, then he is a visually-enticed neanderthal who’s only seeking eye candy or a trophy girlfriend. Maybe you don’t mind that in the beginning, but don’t be surprised if he dumps you for a younger, fresher model in a heartbeat! Hey, transaction begets transaction ladies! If you vet on a guy based on his dollar value (wealth, income, earning potential), then you are putting a dollar value on yourself. To the 50k-a-year girl who requires a “150K-a-year-guy”, what is it about you that’s worth 150K? Why should a 150K guy date you? “But I can cook! I can clean! I can look pretty! I can have his babies!” says the delusional female. To that I say… is your cooking skills worth 150K? Is your cleaning skills worth 150K? Is your prettiness/genes/ womb worth 150K? If so, you had better have the face of Megan Fox and the domestic skills of Martha Stewart! (heck, I don’t even think top chefs make that much!). The point is, if you require a man of caliber, you had better be a woman of equal value to justify it; and nope, offering domestic services or sexual favors in exchange is not of equal value! ( it is also my firm belief that rich successful men tend to date rich successful women and not some smokin’ hot waitress as the common stereotype depicts. C’mon people, most guys aren’t that shallow!)

My final message: to all men and women out there attempting to snag more-than, better-than, and higher-than what they can get; your best bet is to go for someone similar to you; your age, your looks, your brains, your potential. So get off your high horses, and quit pursuing dates you don’t qualify for. If you think someone is well above-your-league, then they probably ARE, and most likely they won’t go for you. After all, everyone should be accountable to their dating standards. Wanna hot chick? You better look like a GQ model. Wanna rich man? You better equally loaded. Wanna partner with a mansion? You better have one yourself. Whatever criteria you vet on, you had better meet them and then some. Remember folks, birds of feather flock together. So let’s all be realistic with our dating preferences, shall we?